


Hold On - Klance (Suicidal Keith)

by StarENyte (orphan_account)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: M/M, Suicidal actions, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, YouTube, caseyramer, grayskyluna, hold on, hold on chord overstreet, klance, klangst, suicidal keith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:28:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22793260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/StarENyte
Summary: Based on the song, "Hold On," by Chord Overstreet.Before he knew it, blood was dripping down his wrists to his elbows, and he found himself holding a scalpel in between his fingers.It hurt.But it was good for everyone else- benefited four Paladins over one.He cried, bursting out into loud sobs until his body shook and he doubled over. He hastily grabbed for the pills, but the images of his parents who abandoned him taunted him in his mind, saying, remember me, see me, feel me…WARNING: SUICIDAL ACTIONS AND THOUGHTS
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Kudos: 114





	Hold On - Klance (Suicidal Keith)

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: SUICIDAL ACTIONS AND THOUGHTS  
> One part of the story is quoted from the poem, "To This Day," by Shane Koyczan.

**INCLUDES SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS**

**Some quotes from, “To This Day,” poem by Shane Koyczan.**

Keith looked at himself in the mirror.

And he stared for a long time- what he saw wasn’t something he was proud of. In the way that he saw himself, he was too lean in some places. In others, he felt that he was too overweight. He hated the way his jawline was- so skinny and jagged that it looked like it was sharpened on a knife. His nose was too long, and when he looked at it he thought that it took up at least half of his face.

And even after a few years, a long time of training, he wasn’t proud of his body composition- ratio from muscle to excess body fat. He would never be as good as combat like Shiro, he couldn’t be as smart as Pidge, or not even as cheery as Lance or Hunk, no matter how hard he tried. He was just the loner- when he came into the room, from the way he saw it all the laughter stopped. When he left, everyone started sharing more stories while he trained on his own to get his mind off of things.

Because he couldn’t focus on just pitying himself- if he did, he would end up crying. And who knows what could happen if he did- in  _ front  _ of the Paladins.

_ Keith is such a baby. _

_ Grow up. _

_ Stupid. _

_ No wonder why he’s the loner. _

He screamed, thoughts flooding into his head and digging his nails into his scalp as he hunched over to his knees on the floor.

_ It makes sense why his parents left, right? _

_ Honestly, I would have left him to die. _

_ What a fake. _

_ He’s just going to be a loner all his life. _

_ Loner. _

_ All on his own. _

“I’m not going to cry!” He raged. He was more than thankful for the sound-proof walls that Coran made.

“I really am just the loner,” he said in a low voice to himself as he lied down on the floor. 

Right?

Allura and Lance always hung out together, and Pidge and Hunk helped each other with tech-machines and Shiro got to help out with all that. He was accepted, while Keith was stuck, groaning in agony and pain. Because he wasn’t helpful, because he was a tool tossed in the trash, because he wasn’t a part of the rest to make something important. He was the loner. With no one to love him.

No one will love him.

He didn’t even know what love was- when his mother, Krolia said that she had to leave him out of love, he didn’t know anymore.

_ If love is like that, I don’t want it.  _

What was love? 

So he lived a life rejecting people, because how could he stand his ground if everyone wanted to bury him in a coffin beneath it? 

When he looked in the mirror again, he saw red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. He had cried. 

All he wanted was for someone to talk to his problems about, to have someone to tell him what to do next. At least  _ Lance  _ had an option to go home. And when Pidge tried to leave, Keith screamed.

“You’re putting the lives over the two people over the lives of everyone in the entire galaxy!”

He wasn’t mad at Pidge- he was jealous. He never had anyone to go to, and here all the Paladins were, talking about their families and traditions. He never got to talk to anyone. He didn’t know what it was like to go to your mother and ask her what’s going to happen in the future, how to get good grades or have someone to celebrate his birthday,  _ holidays  _ with. Because he was the loner. 

Instead of moping around, he decided to try to talk to someone.

First, he tried to approach Shiro. Shiro always had time for him.

He knocked on the door, as Shiro turned around and smiled. “Keith,” he said.

“Hey, Shiro, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, but could you come in maybe…” he looked at the ticker. “Maybe actually a few doboshes. I’m working on a new engine for training,” he displayed his hands covered in oil. “I don’t want you to get covered in oil. Meet you in a few?”

Keith tried to hide the disappointment in his face, masking it with a smile and nodding. “Sure.”

He went to Pidge instead, coming into the tech room. “Pidge, do you have a minute?” He asked in a low voice. 

“Keith, I’m busy. I don’t know what you want to talk about that’s so important,” she caught herself and looked up from her polaroid photo. “Sorry, just… thinking about my family,”

_ Family. _

Keith bit his tongue to stop himself from screaming and gave a quick nod.

Hunk.

After searching forever around the ship, he looked around in the kitchen to find Hunk baking cookies.

“Keith!” Hunk smiled as he started to put the cookie dough on the tray.

“Hunk, can I talk to you?”

“Maybe. Just wait, as soon as I get my cookies in the oven, buddy,” Hunk said gently as he slid on plastic gloves. Keith shifted his weight on his feet, looking up to prevent tears from forming at his eyes. Even Hunk, the Paladin who would talk to anyone at any time, even during battle said no.

“O-Okay,” he said, his voice shaking.

It’s fine.

And Lance…

No.

He would just make fun of him for being an even bigger baby, calling him names and laughing at his face. He would poke at his mullet and pout like a baby at him, asking if he wanted his mom.

Not an option, not at all. Never. 

He trudged over to his room, looking at the mirror again. He was over with it, done with the pain of hiding his depression and anxiety of having the whole world counting on him.

_ They’d be better off without the red Paladin. _

He opened up the cupboards that Coran had showed him, revealing pills that Lance would take once every few days for his anxiety and sleep when he first came.

Before he even knew what he was doing, he scavenged them all and wiped the cabinet clean. He was nothing more than mad, enraged, and so  _ frustrated  _ with himself and the world. Everything hurt, his heart hurt, his head hurt, and all he wanted to know was what love felt like. Because he was alone, with no one to run to, no one to discuss his problems with, because everyone; he felt that  _ everyone  _ just hated him.

Before he knew it, blood was dripping down his wrists to his elbows, and he found himself holding a scalpel in between his fingers.

It hurt.

But it was good for everyone else- benefited four Paladins over one.

He cried, bursting out into loud sobs until his body shook and he doubled over. He hastily grabbed for the pills, but the images of his parents who abandoned him taunted him in his mind, saying,  _ remember me, see me, feel me… _

“Stop…” he started, but then he thought of the Garrison when he had to leave, what would  _ normal  _ kids do? Kids- no, messed up and  _ useless  _ kids like him were born without parents to love them because to everyone in the entire world, no one could care less. 

And he tried to fight it, he wanted to keep going but the light was already gone, as the bottle of pills were empty.

At first, Keith didn’t realize what happened until a searing red pain burst into his side as he fell to the ground once more, pounding on the ground to get the pain to  _ stop,  _ just  **_stop_ ** for a second for him to regain strength- but the pain was a pulse, coming at any random second at any rate. He was so tired of listening to everyone else that things were going to get better, but how? 

Lance would just tell him, “get over it.”

_____________

Lance got up from his seat at the kitchen to go ask Keith if he was ready for another round of training- Keith had promised him that they would try an intense level to see who would win, and that was the only thing that kept him energized through the week. Then after that Keith agreed to have a “bro night” and look at the stars on his lion. He approached Keith’s room, knocking on the door.

When he heard no response, he opened it with a loud creak, but no one was there.

But then he saw a sight so frightening that he had to squeeze his eyes shut.

Why was there a trail of blood coming out of the bathroom?

When he mustered the courage to open his eyes, he saw it:

The medicine cabinet was empty.

_ No. _

**_NO._ **

Lance sprinted towards the door, pulling with all his might to open the bathroom door, praying that Keith would be okay and his eyes would have that rude, but beautiful violet glare that told him he was better. But it was locked shut. 

“Keith!” He screamed, pounding at the wood on the verge of tears.

“ _ Keith, please ANSWER ME!”  _ He was now hysterical, sobbing and punching the door to open until the bottom shook. “Keith, please,  _ please  _ open the door! I-” Lance choked, his vision blurry and out of focus.

No answer.

“Shiro, Pidge, Hunk, someone,  _ please  _ help!”

But no.

Hunk was baking.

Pidge was busy.

Shiro was working.

Allura wouldn’t understand.

Coran would be confused.

Lance cried out in helplessness and used his bayard to bust open the door- and the sight of Keith’s body bleeding out and his tear-stained face pained Lance so much that his chest hurt.

He immediately picked Keith up bridal-style, ignoring the sticky blood over his shirt. He needed  _ help.  _

Lance pulled Keith into his shirt, to hear his heartbeat, he  _ had to  _ be alive. 

He needed him.

No matter how much rivalry or fights that they had with each other, Keith was his world.

“Please…” Lance cried, putting Keith’s hand to his lips. “Please, don’t leave me. You got this,” he choked out as he wiped his tears. He found Shiro in the room next door.

“Shiro!” He sobbed as he watched Shiro’s face turn white.

“What’s-”

“ _ Keith  _ happened, we need a pod  **_now.”_ ** He didn’t care how rude he sounded, he just needed Keith to be okay. 

“A pod won’t help something like this. We’re going to the hospital, right now,” Shiro said firmly.

“There’s a hospital here?” Lance stuttered.

“Yes, but most times you don’t need it unless someone was really hurt,”

“I’ll take my lion with Keith. Shiro, fly the ship.” Lance ordered in a tone that told Shiro that no one could say otherwise.

Taking Keith’s body, he shakily rested it on the co-pilot’s seat and looked at him. “I’m sorry,” he sobbed. “I’m sorry you didn’t have someone to talk to but  _ please,  _ stay with me.”

He heard a groan escape from Keith’s lips.

He was alive.

Lance almost broke down again out of happiness, he was alive. Lance didn’t realize until now that he had been holding Keith’s hand the whole time.

He didn’t care anymore, he held on even tighter.

But even after everything, Lance was still in a living nightmare with no escape that he had to suffer through. 

At the hospital, the “doctors” placed him on a table, scanning him for a heartbeat.

“Is he going to be okay?” Lance asked, gripping onto the hem of his shirt to stop his hands from shaking.

“We don’t know for sure- he went…” They started. “...far,”

Lance looked up again.

In the hospital room, the doctors allowed Lance to stay in while they helped other patients.

“Keith,” Lance choked. He held onto his hand, kissing the top of it. “You have to stay with me,” he sobbed. His voice changed octaves and disappeared at the end, saying, “Y-you promised-d, stargazing, r-remember?”

_ Please… _

Normally he never prayed, but this time he was so desperate for someone to take Keith’s pain away. “Should have been me.”

\---------------------------------

Keith remembered being confused when he felt someone holding his hand- he was only half-conscious.

_ Might be Shiro… _

Then he heard it:

“Y-you promised-d, stargazing, r-remember?”

_ Lance? _

The one person he chose not to go to was the one who was holding his hand at the hospital.

He had found him.

It was  _ Lance,  _ Lance had cared for him and helped him…

_ I don’t want to die. _

\-------------------------------- 

After two days

\--------------------------------

**BOTH POV (3rd, omniscient pov.)**

“Keith!” Lance exclaimed, holding onto him as tight as he could on the hospital bed.

“They said I could go in a few hours,” he managed to say in a low voice. 

“You’re okay,” Lance said, a tear coming down his cheek. He hugged him again, muttering into his shoulder, “They said you wouldn’t make it,”

“What if it was better that way…”

Lance immediately jerked up, grasping his shoulders and looking at him dead in the eye. “ _ No.” _

“But-”

“Keith, you are the most amazing-”

“I don’t want to hear those lies again! I’m a  _ mistake,  _ I can’t focus on anything, I put myself over the team, almost got us killed, and I can’t  _ stand  _ to see myself in the mirror- I’m an ugly self-absorbed paladin who isn’t important. I’m sorry, that’s who I am,” Keith confessed, tears now pouring out like waterfalls.

Lance looked at him again, now releasing his shoulders and pointing an accusing finger at his face. 

“ _ You know what, Keith?!” _

“I told you-”

Lance interrupted him again, stepping back and screaming, tears now running down his face, “If you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better  _ mirror!  _ Look a little closer! Stare a little longer, because there’s something inside of you that made you keep going despite everyone who told you to quit, you have to believe that they were wrong!” He exclaimed. 

Kind words… no, life-changing words from Lance took him by surprise.

“Keith, you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. The way your eyes gleam when you have an idea, your laugh when you hear something stupid, or… I could go on and on,” he said. “Keith, for a long time, I didn’t know what it was, but I know now. I love you,”

Lance stopped.

“There, I said it. It’s true. And if you don’t love me back, I understand-”

He was stopped with a kiss.

_ Keith  _ had kissed him.

Lance wanted it to last forever, and in Keith’s arms, the world seemed to slow down.

It was beautiful-

No,  _ he  _ was beautiful.

“I love you too,” Keith said.

  
  



End file.
